Empathy plays a key role in building self-worth
Brene Brown is a powerful influencer on my life and my work. When I read her book “I though it was just me” I felt as though she had peered inside my head and heard my own story…. It was both reassuring and affirming and acted as another step forward in my own journey to positive self-worth and wholehearted living.
Brene shares the fact that shame cannot exist in the presence of empathy. Shame needs secrecy and judgment to thrive and grow like a weed, to wrap you up in fear and self–consciousness, feeling alone and ashamed. Shame just looooooves secrets and keeping you isolated.
But when it is exposed to empathy, shame shrinks and loses its bully boy persona. Regular doses of empathy cut it off at the knees. It has no choice. It has to leave.
And when it does, it leaves the door wide open for self-worth to walk in and take its place.
The power of the Empathy Bath
That has certainly been my experience of what I’ve termed “The Empathy Bath” in my years of recovery from addiction. Every week I’ve met with 20 to 30 other people who have quietly and honestly shared their stories of fear and shame and experience and strength and hope. I’ve seen those stories met with understanding and empathy and a complete lack of judgment. It’s in that space that real healing of the soul takes place. It’s when you are bathed in empathy that you realise that to make mistakes or to feel overwhelmed and scared is very very human. And it is in that space that you can reclaim your self-worth, take a breath, centre yourself, regroup and move forwards, upwards and onwards.
Empathy is different from sympathy.
Empathy is when you let another person know that you get them. You see them. You hear them. That you too, have felt the same feelings and you can reassure them they are not alone.
I get it. Me too.
Those are some of the most powerful words in our language.
So how do you enhance your empathy skills? Here are 5 suggestions to consider
Active Listening
Eliminate distractions and listen attentively to what the other person is saying so you can really absorb what they mean. Be aware of their body language as well as the tone they are using – these are actually often even more important communication cues than the actual words being used.
Pausing to reflect
Reflection is key to understanding, considering the deeper nuances of what the other person is saying, connecting the dots, sometimes even hearing what isn’t said. And then reflecting back to them to demonstrate your understanding and that you are connecting to what they are feeling – “I can see this is hard for you”, and “you must be feeling sad” and “this is a really challenging experience”.
Providing validation
It’s important to immediately agree with how the other person is feeling to effectively convey your acceptance and respect for what they are experiencing. Often being heard and hearing that what they’re feeling is completely understandable is all that is needed. You might say “it’s not surprising at all that you’re feeling so sad, this is a really difficult situation”.
Offering open support
Where appropriate for you, let the other person know that you want to help and are open to knowing how that might look – simply ask “I’d like to help you and support you in this – please let me know what I can do?”. You don’t have to have the answers or the solution – just share your desire to be there for them.
Giving positive feedback
Receiving reassurance and encouragement from someone who clearly empathises can be a tremendous boost to your energy and faith in yourself. Simply saying with honesty and openness “I know this is a really hard time for you and I just want you to be aware of how well you are coping – that’s an amazing thing, given the circumstances – I’m really impressed”.
Putting yourself in the shoes of another person by practising and expressing empathy, builds your humanity. And allowing yourself to receive empathy when you need it, to open yourself to its healing powers builds your own self-worth. This journey through life is all about progress, not perfection and we can all lighten the load on the heavier days by opening ourselves to this beautiful emotion.
Who might need your empathy? The tips above will gently prepare you for when the opportunity presents itself.
